Top 6 Ridiculous Projects Programmers Were Asked to Work on

From time to time, you will need to discuss technical bits with non-techies, especially in the work environment. Non-techie is someone who can’t code in one of the main programming languages. The real challenge though is when talking to people who have a vague to zero idea of how computers and the internet actually operate. It might be hilarious and frustrating at the same time.

We’ve pulled together a list of top 6 ridiculous projects programmers were asked to work on, check them out below!

Next time someone asks you to perform an unreasonable task that defies the laws of physics, charge them a hefty fee ;) Some clients have no clue.

1. Can You Update the Database? But Without the Internet!

There is a story on reddit about a lady that couldn’t possibly understand that the database with web interfaces couldn’t be updated with no internet connection. Quite naively she believed she could go from client to client, taking notes in her little binder and get the system automatically update the database without any internet connection. Apparently, she didn’t like the idea of imposing on clients the necessity of installing an internet connection… which is mind-boggling!

She wouldn’t budge for about 3 hours, not accepting the simple reasoning that there is no way to update the database with web interfaces without the web. You don’t need to be a programmer to be able to understand this basic concept. I bet a 5-year-old would grasp it in a second.

2. Can You Create a Seductive Bot that Will Chat to Women on Dating Sites?

Imagine you’re at work, Friday evening, looking forward to a relaxing weekend when your boss comes over to your desk and asks you the most unreasonable thing out there (not to mention that it’s totally beyond the scope of your job).

Your boss wants you to make a seductive bot that will charm women on popular dating sites, create a human-like conversation, filter them based on the appearance while saving their contact details at the same time.

He would totally dismiss the idea that a project of that magnitude takes a hell lot of time!

I remember we worked on the Facebook bot that would talk to the clients in French in the previous company. It took the programmers a couple of weeks to create one, let alone train it so that it gets smarter and generates human-like conversations! You have to test a multitude of different inputs but first, you have to find out what phrases the users use on a regular basis to create a pattern. Even then it was still very easy to see that we’re talking to a bot and not a real human being.

Bosses sometimes don’t understand the concept of time, they want you to do a couple of year’s job in one month’s time, that’s why you need to learn how to say no, explaining exactly why that idea wouldn’t work or wouldn’t be completed in that timeframe.

I bet the programmer that was asked to create a human-like bot that could be seductive enough to score on online dating, wouldn’t give it away, would probably patent it, run away from the office and make loads of cash himself!

3. Can You Create a Non-Playable Character in a Game I’m Playing?

Another ridiculous demand one of the developers on reddit had to face up to is creating an NPC for one of the online video games he was running.

Someone offered to pay, claiming they wanted the non-playable character to follow them around in the game plus be able to fight with them in battles. When you’re a programmer, you need to learn how to respond to some whimsical demands with laughter. What’s more interesting is that the programmer decided to take the job!

4. Can You Build a Social Media Site Like Facebook but Different?

When people find out that you’ve mastered the art of coding they think they can approach you with any idea that pops up in their head, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. The funniest thing is that they don’t even realise they are being unreasonable! They promise they’ll give you a big pot of cash once the platform is out, thinking you’ll feel honoured they’ve shared with you their awesome & original idea that will make millions, sounds familiar?

The most annoying bit is that they can’t code themselves so they have no understanding of the process and how hard it would be to create a platform that would compete with a social media guru like Facebook, let alone expecting that you’ll work for free! Real facepalm moment.

5. Can You Create an App that Will Hijack a Car With a Remote Starter Key?

A - it sounds kinda illegal to me, B - who is the target market for such a bizarre application? I doubt this would be commercially viable, available for anyone to download, an app to steal cars?

One of the coders on reddit explained that his soon-to-be client asked him if he was able to build an app that would enable them to hijack any car remotely, basically hacking the remote starter key. They wanted the app to be run on iOS as well as Android to appeal to a wide variety of users. I’m pretty sure the client spent too much time playing Grand Theft Auto Series as a kid, is he for real?

6. Can you Create an App For a Moving Company That Will Reduce the Number of Necessary Drives?

Another programmer on reddit recalled a situation where one of his clients, a moving company, had a very specific idea for a mobile app that will reduce the number of drives to haul the entire place. How would that work? Basically, you take a couple of pics of the flat, the app detects the furniture and calculates the most optimal way of stacking the furniture in the truck, saving as much space as possible. That’s not all, the app was supposed to give you a quote within seconds, possibly taking the weight of the furniture into account, gas prices, weather conditions and traffic situation on the day… Easy peasy, right :)?

Last but Not Least...Can You Fax the Birthday Cake?

How to go on about responding to the ridiculous demands of your clients and bosses you might ask? First things first, get to the bottom of what drives them... why are they even coming up with such unreasonable demands? Once you understand what motivation is behind it, it’ll be that much easier to find an alternative path.

You might get frustrated at times; my advice is, take a walk before talking it over just to clear your head and calm your nerves so that you can explain why such an idea is not going to work, ever... in simple terms. You can write down what you’re planning to say, it’ll be way more productive than chatting with your colleagues, complaining about your boss and his stupid ideas behind his back. You never know, it might eventually get to him through the grapevine!

Going back to the Birthday cake, one programmer used to work at the FedEx outlet when he was younger and witnessed a moment when a woman came in with a big cardboard box asking to ….fax it! There was a birthday cake inside. He thought he misunderstood so just wanted to clarify, ‘You want to ship it through FedEx, right’? She replied that there is not enough time and she really wants to fax it. The programmer had a hard time explaining that the fax machine only works with...paper, you can’t physically fax a birthday cake and expect it to come out intact at the other end! She wouldn’t have any of it and stormed out the door :D

As a programmer, you have to deal with a myriad of people with different level of technical know-how. Keep calm and try not to get carried away, not everyone you’ll work with will be on the same wavelength. The best is to talk things over to manage everyone’s expectations.

Have you heard of any other ridiculous client whims? Mention them in the comments!